mandaa_pandaa

no clue..

2006-07-24T04:18:46Z

i dont know whats been going on lately..
nothing much
hanging out
went to washington to stay with kelsi for a couple days
that was fun
somethings missing
not sure what
but i can always feel it
the feeling that something is not right
something is out of place
not where it should be

not sure how im supposed to fix that
or figure out what its about
so im waiting it out for now

today was my neice, phaedras first birthday
it was much too hot outside to enjoy her party in the park

i dotn feel like i belong anymore..
but im not upset about it anymore
im getting better at this whole life thing
im understanding everything more
and im okay with the whole thing
its strange
i dont even know how to explain it

i miss people to be around
and i miss having friends

i have been getting lonely alot
even when im surrounded with peoepl
i still feel so alone

hmm... im done i think
i feel like im complaining
but its not meant to sound that way

everything sucks..

2006-07-18T02:05:50Z

well, i havent writen anything for a long time in here.....
i keep forgeting. and ive been kinda busy.

for the last 3 days ive been spending my days in sherwood.
i pretty much love it there, its such a nice little town!
plus i have met alot of people that live there and i have
been having alot of fun with them. yep yep yep!

tomorrow is callons birthday, and i was gonna plan a big thing for him one of the days following his birthday... but he keeps being mean and treating me like shit. so i dont think im going to give him much of a birthday.

i have really liked the last few days because i have been busy and i have been able to keep my mind off my problems. but today was real lonely and i just thought about everything way too much.

but thank godness im going back out to sherwood tomorrow, and another day of sun at the park. woohoo!!

BLAHFUCKDAMNIT

2006-07-07T22:49:01Z

so....
yesterday i didint end up hang ing out with mathias.
BUT i did go hang out with callon and his brother aaron.
that was okay. callon and i talked about us being over and its all fine. but i dont know. it was weird. then we went and ate at a sushi place, but i couldnt eat the sushi cause it had fish and shit in it. so i ate strawberries & cucumber & cheesecake. then, callon stayed the night. and officailly since this morning, callon and i are done. done done done!!!! : )
its very refreshing. yep yep. i know ill miss him, but i can feel that it wont be as bad as before. i know that this is best for me. so it needs to happen.

i got some velveeta, and it looks really good. but its like 3 servings of pasta and i cant eat all that myself... so i have to wait till someone comes over to eat. damnit!

so my moms gone and 2 out of the 3 days shes been gone, i have nothing to do! so hopefully soon i find something to do. grrr! if i waste another day sitting at home doing nothing, im gonna be so pissed.

eeeek! : )
i like a boy
hes so beautiful
and even more nice
i wanna see him
hopefully soon
ya ya!

so confused...

2006-07-06T16:51:06Z

i reall dont know what i should do.
i know i say this like every week
but i really think im done with callon this time.
im just tired of feeling like shit all the time
and im not sure if seeing him after awhile will change my mind, but i think its the best choice to make.
im just tired of trying to hard for something that will most likely go to shit way more times. i just dont know if its worth it.
and i find myself falling out of love.
all the hurt and heartbreak makes you learn
and im sick of it & i just dont feel as well about him as i used to feel, and i cant help that.

yesterday my mom left town to go visit my aunt in utah for 5 days. she only left me 5 dollars... and hardly any food in the house. and im really hungry, but i have nothing to eat. but im happy that i got to stay home.

today im excited because i am going to be hanging out with mathias. hes like my new favorite person. he really helped me when callon told me that he cheated and hes really smart about lifes problems. hes real easy to talk with and im really glad that i got to meet him. so ya. im happy for today.

^mathias[so effing cute!!]

but the weather is kinda cold, and im not really liking it. i need layers or someone to cuddle with....
: ) any takers?

the 5th of july

2006-07-05T08:44:06Z

well....the fourth was slow at first, but ended great
sat around the house doing nothing till 5-ish pm
then my sister drove me to the mall so i could go meet up with mathias at 645-ish. did that. walked with him nad some kid that i dont remember his name, to taylors place. a couple bands [goodyear & drawback] were playing at his house. like 10+ other kids were there. it was pretty much like super fun. this summer i havent done anything that new or exciting, so this was nice. lots of kids i dont know so well. i liked it. i got to see gabby, kelsey & mathias, so i was stoked about it all. then i watched some fire works and went home. i had fun. and ya..... eeek. im excited.

my moms going out of town tomorrow morning. wooohoooo!!
buuut the bad thing is that she doesnt trust me at all. and she said i cant have anyone over and i can only stay the night a couple peoples houses. which pretty much sucks balls. & she said her ex-boyfriend may spontaniously stop by every once and awhile. which is dumb. i hate that shes so pariniod and wont let me stay at certain peoples houses. grrrrrr. but whatev. ill get around all her rules. oh and shes not leaving me any money. thats purely fucked up!!!!!!! klahfiouhwef

well. ya. im happy and confused about what is & what will be happening with callon and i. im not sure what to do. or what he wants from it. so ya. him and i need to talk. and i want to be with him, but im tired of trying so hard, if hes not even for sure if he wants to be with me. : / well. ill find out soon enough

a sigh of relief

2006-07-03T16:52:30Z

so callon and i were over.
i ended up staying in bed from wednesday night to friday morning. didnt eat for a couple days & just couldnt seem to do anything. i dont think i had ever been that sad before, not even the other times that weve broken up. this was just the worst. but finally after getting out of bed and strting to get out things were a little better.

then on saturday i called callon and he was cleaning up his house and needed for carpet cleaner.... so i hoped on the bus to bring some to him. after being there awhile he told me that he had missed me. i missed him so much too. like i didnt even know what to do with myself when i didnt have him anymore. so i stayed at his place till sunday afternoon and it was a lot of fun. we hung out with some of his friends and i was just real happy. so that pretty much made my week all better. : )

oh !! and on friday, after i finally left the house, i hung out with veronica and christie. i never get to see either of them anymore. and it was alot of fun.

sooooooo pretty much. im all better and happy again. i have my baby boy back. and im just so content with the world again. ya!!

the worst

2006-06-29T19:10:54Z

ive never felt like such a peice of shit before
he fucking lied to me. i remmeber our specific conversation. it went like this;
ME: "callon, was i really your first kiss?"
CALLON: "ya" he said it all happy
ME: "was i really your first for everything?"
CALLON: "ya, of course"
ME: "have i been the only one that you have been with?"
CALLON: "ya"
ME: "really?"
CALLON: "ya, your the only one"

bull shit. he fucking lied to me
how the hell could he do that.
he just met her like a week prior
how the fuck could he do that to me and then lie about it. then i found out the day after he lied what really hapened. i knew that he wasnt much into "us" anymore but i love him and i just didnt want to give up one the one thing that made me the happiest that i had ever been in my life. hes just like heaven. hes my best friend, how could my best friend do something like this to me. i mena, i think he minght have done it to get me to realize how he didint want to be with me. but that is a shitty thing to do. i dont think i deserved that. and he knows how much i love him, which makes it even worse for him to intesionally hurt me like that. ive just never felt so detrayed in my life. i dont know what to do. i know that i dont want to be with him. because i know that id udt been trying to keep something alive that i know is dead.i know that there is no use trying anymore. but i still love him so much. i wish that i could still kiss him and hold him and know that he is mine, but i cant. and i have to know that it is better this way. but i just dont know if i can handle seeing him with some other girl. i just dont know how i will be able to live with that. ive never felt like this before ive never felt so fucking heartbroken. i trusted him with my life, and my deepest darkest secrets and i trusted him with my heart. but he broke it. i cant handle it anymore. i just hate this all. i just want to have him as my best friend still. thats all i really need now. i just need to have my best friend here to help me through this rough time. but i asked him if or when i should call him and he said next week. i dont know if i can do that. i want to call him now. i just need to hear his voice and i need his comfort. i just need my best friend.
i dont even know what to fucking do. and last night i wanted to go see him cause i didint wanna talk about it over the phone and when i asked me mom, on the ride and on the ride when she picked me up, all she could fucking do was scream at me. she knew i was upset and she just make shit worse. how the fuck could she do that.

i just miss my baby boy callon
i miss him more than ive ever missed anything in my life
he = love
and now my love is gone and i dont know what to do
i love him so much

the picnic

2006-06-29T18:51:22Z

so callon and i didnt have the picnic on the day that i had planned but it did happen on the 27th of june instead on the 24th. a couple day late, but oh well. it was the most perfect thing ever. the weather wasnt too hot and it was fun sitting in the grass on our blanket eaing sandwiches, grapes, cherries & the brownies i bakes. it was just so wonderful. then i got to spend the whole day with him. i wish that we could have just hung out and stayed outside longer but we didnt. we just went inside and did our normal thing. we always seem to do the same thing, and i dont know why. i dont try to make it that way, but he seems to think that im the one doing it. i really dont mean to. i dont. but i still had a wonderful day. and on our way back from the park we saw this old bike by a fence and it was just there all alone and i was like "hay callon, whos bike is that?" and he had no idea. but we just walked by and left it. the day was was great and i loved giving him that specail picnic that i had been planning for my special boy. i love him so much and i just wish i could give him the world.

i love this boy

i ♥ aimee

2006-06-24T06:08:27Z

so today i was planning on going out to hillsboro to see my friend aimee who i havent seen since 8th grade [2.5 years]. BUT this morning when i went to call my mom to make sure it was okay that i go, she made a HUGE list of chores for me to do!! so i had to go vacuum, clean the counters, wash the microwave, clean the dining room & living room, put all my moms stuff in her room, all my brothers toys in his room, and clean my bathroom before i could leave. so i did all that and then i was off to the bus stop. i got there like 5 minutes before the bus cam adn then while i was riding..i realized that i had dropped my hat on the way to the bus stop!!! so i had to get off the bus at the transit center and walk back and find my hat. thank god christies dad showed up and drpve me mnost the way and i found my hat. so i went back to the bus stop and the bus driver drover right past me!!! so i was already really late me meet my friend, but i made it. haha, i felt so horrible for making her wait, but then we went to her house and hung out for a few hours and i was soo extremely happy that i got to see her again! i missed her so much.

im very excited for tomorrow! tomorrow is the 24th of june which means that it is callons and my 4 month. i swear he makes me the happiest that i have ever been in my entire life! i love & miss his flower eyes and all his little freckles and his beautiful smile.

this is how excited i am for tomorrow
haha . yep, im pretty excited
i love callon thomas henick

its been too long...

2006-06-23T03:18:15Z

so i havent writen for a couple days : ( and lots has been going on. but i guess ive just been too busy and too lazy to do it. well.. whats been going on with me??

OH! last night i got really sick of my mom and all her bullshit, [like yelling at me for no good reason and calling me stupid and stuff like that + more] so i left. after her sceamed at me for wanting to go, i rode my bike over to michaelas place. & oh my gosh! the whole ride was up hill, it was so painful. but anyways when i was over there we got to go to 711 and i got an iced cream & it was super yummy. : ) the after awhile [like an hour] i called callon and i got his bro bro to pick me up & so i stayed over at callons place for the night. it was so nice to just get away from the stress of my house. i really do hate it here and i cant wait until get a job adn i can aford a new bike and backpack, then i will SO be out of here in a heartbeat! no joke. i cant stand it anymore. i mean, its not like im getting beat or anything, but its so mentally overwhelming for me to livein this place. i feel like im seriously starting to go crazy. i just need to get out. and soon, very soon.

so tomorrow im going to TAP plastics to get an application. there pay starts at 9.00$ an hour. im really hopeing that ill get the job.

i know more has happened in the last couple days that i havent writen, but i really cant even remember what the hell has been going on.

to do list

2006-06-20T05:34:42Z

everything i need to do before kelsi comes over;

-put all my clean clothes away
-wash all my dirty clothes
-put all the shit i dont want in a box
-organize all the rest of my shit
-throw away all trash
-recycle all recycleables
-vacuum floor
-clean fish-tank
-burn pretty smelling insence!
-make bed

: ) lets hope that doesnt take too long...

goodbye fishy : /

2006-06-20T04:39:17Z

today was nice. the weather wasnt hot or cold, which i really do like.but i woke up really super late, 1pm. called jessie and made plans to go on a bike ride... but i ended up taking a really long time to get ready for the day. so we went on like a 20 minute ride and i had some fun cause i dont get to go riding much and i enjoy it so much. i think that im going to go riding everyday, all over town and get to know the city better. ive realized that ive lived here for many years of my life and so much of the areas are still such a mystery to me. a couple hours after i got home, my mom showed up and we got some yans, it tasted so good, but it kinda hurt my throat really badly. i guess it was worth it in the end.

me and wills fish died today. tomorrow im burying it.

oh!!! im so excited!!! im on a hunt for a new bike! right now im using my sisters shitty mountain bike. grr, i realy dislike using mountain bikes, then just are akward and uncomfy for me to ride. but im looking for something under 90 dollars and im hoping to find one soon. tomorrow im going down to the bike store on main street and looking to see if they have anything worth buying.

: ) i think kelsi is coming to stay with me tomorrow night!!! i cant wait to see that her!! i miss her like alot alot! eeeek! shes so adorable & soo beautiful & so nice. she just makes me so happy!

this summer has been so nice. i really feel so much happier now. i hope everything stays this good forever

jklsagduwtfseft

2006-06-18T22:53:35Z

i swear to god, im about to fucking kill my stupid dog. he is the most annoying dog ive ever seen!!! he wont stop sitting by the front door & just whinning and whinning and whinning. he wont shut the fuck up! im ready to just like throw him out the door and not ever let him back in. gaaahhhh. im so angry and frustrated over this stupid dog.

i would like to go get a milkshake from burgerville like my mom said we were going to do, but shes like outside cutting down a tree [which i dont support the killing of]. soo, hopefully shell get done soon, adn ill get a yummy yummy milkshake. : ) yay!!

i really dont like getting all angry about little things like my dog. hes just always whinning and he never seems to ever stop. i need to find a way to relax. well... im going on a walk, or maybe down to the balloon festival for some fried noodles. that would make me really happy right about now.

fathers day

2006-06-18T20:31:34Z

i called my dad this afternoon to wish him a great fathers day. i could tell that he really wanted to bug me into coming out and staying out at his place for a weekend, but he held it back. im starting to feel a little guilty for not going out to see him anymore, but i made up my mind about it and i plan on sticking to that. if i am going to see him it will be when he comes to tigard and spends an afternoon or something like that with me. but anyways...he was gland to hear from me and that made me happy to hear. i really do miss him and love him alot, but i am not going back out to his home in the middle of nowhere with his new wife that pretty much hates my guts. the situation is just way too unconfortable to me in right now. and im just not ready to go back.

my plans for the day;
- take my painkillers![asap]
- get a milkshake from burgerville
- get out of the house [go to the mall or a park, or something like that]
- & maybe go on a bike ride with jessie

today i realized how long my hair has gotten. it seems like just yesterday i chopped it all off & now its all coming back. wow. i think its almost time to cut it all off again. ill think about it for a few more days before acting on it.

MY TONSILS: so i got my tonsils removed on the 14th of june. they havent hurt that badly. but today when i woke up i thought i was going to cry from all the pain i was feeling. and if i dont take my painkillers for awhile, it gets really hard to swallow or talk or pretty much do anything at all. but ya. they are all better now. and im hoping the recovery is almost over!

el fiesta de....balloons

2006-06-18T08:37:52Z

today started off pretty slow. i didnt do much but sit around the house with bianca all day. we dreaded her hair a little bit, but that was about it. then around 9pm callon and i went down to the balloon festival together. oh my goodness!, i had the most wonderful fried noodles. they were so extremely delicious, yum yum. then on my way home i held callons hand and helped pull him all the way to my house on his longboard. it was funny because he looked just like he was just floating down the street. today was nice, perfect weather and i got to see some of my favorite people!